I was reading today about Salford’s history, it turns out it has a nuclear connection. And its not just some toxic barrels being dropped into the quays. Which has lead to a wave of lower and lower GCSE results.
It turns out the entire world was depending on Salford if there was a nuclear war. Let that just sink in for a minute. I think its the first time Salford has been considered in an advantageous situation or the front line for anything other than the ability to buy Duty free cigarettes.
Although I bet the Russians would have had no clue because upon looking around the city they would have already thought it had been bombed. You can totally imagine the devastation if you squint your eyes whilst you look at the city. You just have to imagine less pound shops and BetFreds but maybe a few more teeth.
So they built a nuclear fallout shelter in Salford the new bastion of hope for the west. Apparently they managed to keep it secret by employing polish builders who could talk about it without the locals finding out about it. I’d be willing to bet that there were still racist people claiming ‘Bloody poles coming over here building our fallout shelters, british shelters by british workers’. But then maybe the government were actually scared that if English workers made it it would have ended up just being some tinfoil in a cardboard box.
It’s one of the few nuclear bunkers in the country that is off the official secrets act. London must have seen sense and seen that a nuclear bunker in salford may have only lead to the creation of radioactive chavs. Although you would think the thought of NATO and the world having to rely so heavily on salford would have made them consider keeping it top secret indefinitely.
In the bunker there is all the comforts of a Salford home such as a pool table and presumably some pool balls in a sock, and enough turkey twizzlers to get even a fat child through the apocalypse. It even had fake windows with paintings depicting Salford, the outside world to look at during the radiation storms, so people going slightly mad from their captivity could look at someone stealing from a Tesco self service and the cock of the school and a dog shitting with no one picking it up,.
Whilst I’m sure that this state of the art bunker would have been enough to keep the cold war Kremlin at bay. It was not actually enough to keep the chavs of Salford at bay. in 2005 some scrotes managed to break in and steal over £14,000 worth of things. The police caught them due to DNA from a cig dimp because of course that was the reason.
It reminds me of Hannibal from The A team the idea of committing a heist whilst still smoking I can just see The Salford A Team now… "In 1997, a crack commando unit was sent to prison for a crime they definitely did commit. These men are on ankle tag and not allowed out of their flat past 7:30PM. Today, still wanted by the Police they will commit acts of vandalism for a 6 pack of Skol tinnies or higher".