Creme Caramel

If I had a drug of choice, I’d have to say Creme caramel is a top runner, after heroin and self loathing. No other item on my shopping list rarely makes it past the door more than a 6 pack of creme caramels, they come in 6 pack presumably because if it was less no ones house would ever know what a creme caramel looks like beyond the empty packaging. I’m fully aware of how I look eating them too. It’s like if a fish could use a spoon. You’d think I’d buy the best ones given how much i like them but no! The crapper the quality the better. Sure I could buy them for over a pound but why would i when I can get them and on the ingredients list I’m sure one of them is diabetes.

Just looking at that makes me want to inject it
Theres an episode of Sabrina the teenage witch where its claimed everybody likes them. I’ve never met a single other person who likes them. I’m surprised that places bother selling them. They don’t look sexy as foods go. They’re no Cheese cake. They look like brain parasites. Maybe thats what they are.. Oh god I’ve found out their terrible secret. Theyve taken over my body. No one else make my mista… EVERYTHING IS FINE.
CREME CARAMELS ARE NOT TRYING TO TAKE OVER YOUR BRAIN. BUY CREME CARAMELS.

Writers block

In continuing from yesterdays blog, I know, I updated it for once! That’s the power of procrastination for you. And like yesterday, I’m struggling with writers block, and yet here I am typing away my thoughts. I worry that it is that i have too much on, no schedule and a need to constantly be fabulous. On the flip side for the first time in ages I’ve felt able to pay off a little of my credit card, meaning that my credit score will go from ‘kill it with fire’ to ‘at least put it out of it’s misery’. I feel like I’m putting out a lot of content which I think is high quality and I’ve just had a gig at the comedy store. A new idea I’ve had to turn my gigs into vlogs got off to a clunky start last night when I wasnt allowed to, So I’ll have to do it at other venues that want the free advertising of my mum watching a video I have improv’d. I’ve had a cold today and had to take a day off, which was a hard decision to make given that i work my dream of working in a call centre. I feel an immense pressure to always be productive, so i could either do admin or ring 400 people. It sounds like my priveledge coming out when I decry how hard it is but I have a pressure to keep up with the admin and the public front of making up brand new dick jokes.

procrastination

It’s really hard to actually do all the things that go along with being a stand up, I think the junior doctors have got it easy really. They dont have to be on call to make a works do laugh in December time. I think we both rank up there for tiredness and probably being underpaid in 2018. It’s particularly at the beginning, well say beginning more like the middle, I’m at the custard stage of this trifle of a comedy career. I can only hope to eventually get to the cream rather than slip down to the vodka soaked jelly bottom. I have to juggle a day job with the stand up, until recently it was 2 jobs i was doing this with until I was fired, that quiz company will not be the same without me! On my days off I try to keep up with my admin, and by that I don’t mean its all work at home wanking. But lately, it may be the workload but the procrastination has set it, once again not wanking, well maybe some but not enough to get in the way. I’m finding it hard to keep focused through all the emails, no one tells you stand up is like an office job with 20 fun minutes at the end when you start doing it. Although with everyone on the circuit claiming that stand up is over populated with new comedians and gigs drying up maybe a job role quota is a good way of scaring newbies off. And January hasn’t help, it being a quiet month anyway. It’s like a month long version of that week between Christmas and new year.
I have a gig tonight at the world famous comedy store but I’ve not gotten into gig mode. Before i can even do the gig I need to get all my stage gear together. along with the camera to record it for my videos. I want this all to pay off. I can die from a heart attack at 40 from over eating rather than putting out youtube videos and emails if I’m given the go ahead.

Mersey Toll Bridge

I went across the toll bridge, the Mersey toll, I paid £2 for the privilege of driving to Widnes.
I didn’t realise we were charging to go across water these days like it’s 14th century France.
As i passed over and paid £2 I had driven around new roads and road works and was getting frustrated and angry because all I had in my head was this little scouser going: "£2 is a fucking bargain to get to Liverpool, because liverpools fucking boss. I’d pay £2 a day just to live in Liverpool. I won’t pay me council tax though, that’s mine"

Fitness

I’ve been trying to get a little fitter lately. I don’t mind exercising, it’s the dietary changes I don’t like. My love of chicken will constantly be the reason why I am a jiggly mountain. I know when I’m getting fatter because when I’ve got a shaved face the Peter Kay comparisons come in. Not because of my comedy style either. More because we both like garlic bread.
It used to be that my facial hair would stop these comparisons but now I’ve started getting compared to Sam from Game of Thrones. AKA The fat one from Game of Thrones, AKA Literally the only fat one on a show otherwise filled with beautiful specimens of humanity. AKA The only one who once winter comes in Westeros he will be fine as he has a layer of blubber and has the character arc of eventually evolving into a sperm whale.
So I have been going on some jogs, I always get a little bit nervous before a jog, I shower before the jog. I wear a jogging bottoms, and a sports T shirt which even though I feel very uncomfortable I feel like it’s the only time I feel like I’m wearing attire befitting of living in and being from Salford. If only it wasn’t for the constant fear of looking, hot, sweaty, smelly & a constant fear of falling over like a baby I might actually have some street cred.
But then eating fried chicken in the same attire would also achieve that same feeling of fitting in, all I would be missing is 4 kids, an ankle tag and a desire to kick in a bus stop. Achievable goals I’m sure we can all agree.

Angel of The North

Angel of the north. It’s nothing like how I would imagine a northern angel. Well maybe the rust would stay.
Ive not read a passage in the bible about one of gods parthenon that really likes gravy. Not taking shit from the devil. And When she saw Mary she said I’ll put the kettle on, you’d best sit down love.
Satan was an angel, a fallen angel but I doubt it was because of his cloth cap and love of Greggs. Upon being cast down from heaven he said "bloody eck as like" and conspired to take god to tribunal through the union.

Market Research

Yesterday I took part in some market research in the promise of £55. I was sat in a room with 10 other white people talking about white and muslim relations. I had gone along thinking that I was going to be answering questions about soft drinks. It turns out there are only so many race relations questions you can answer with ‘Well, I suppose its a lot like Coke vs. Pepsi’
I’ve done market research before, the last time I did it, I was answering questions about deodorants. I wasn’t planning on doing it. I just got dragged in off the street as if the rep looked at me and thought I looked like I stunk and could use the 45 minute hint.
It was weird as it went on I felt like divisions came in the group as the session went on talking about such a controversial topic. There was one girl who claimed to be an expert on muslim relations because she was friends with one (maybe this will be the new ‘I’ve got a Black/gay/whatever friend’ for the millennials). Another person who said that she worked with a muslim lady and would regularly email her at work.
There was one man who claimed to have a great relations with the muslim community as one of his tenants was a muslim and one woman who claimed that she would love to live next door to a muslim as she has always wanted to get a good curry recipe and Eid would mean free food. So I think we can all move forward so long as it makes caucasians fat in some way
There was also a woman who made eloquent points event though she sounded like the broken squeaky penguin from Toy Story 2 which made me nostalgic for the 90s even though back then racial relations were worse back then, which may have defeated the purpose of her intentions.
The phrase ‘they’ was bandied around a lot, as if the muslim community was another entity which is sad to think about. Maybe the propaganda machine truly works. Who knows, all I know is that I should read things a bit closer as my £55 was on a gift card.

Stockport

I once went on holiday to Stockport. Me and my girlfriend at the time were living at my Mum’s. And looking back on it I think things were so desperate that the idea of a holiday 8 miles away was a treat.
A holiday would be difficult to sell in a travel agents. ‘ They have a Pyramid like Egypt, The Louvre and… Pyramid schemes’
I learnt that Stockport used to be a part of Cheshire but the Boundaries changed to Manchester. Which must have been a disapointment. A disapointment on the level of coming 4th at The Olympics. So close yet not even on the podium.
Although to be fair I’ve always thought that Bronze is a shit colour for a medal . Especially for a grand prize. I just imagine the organisers of the early events:
‘What precious metals do we have for our champions?’
‘1st place, Gold’
‘Ahh yes to metal of the ancient pharohs’
‘2nd place, Silver’
‘Yes pristeen and pure, the colour of principality and divine elegance’
‘3rd place, Bronze’
‘Yes not 1st, not runner up, we shall give them the colour of shiny diarhea, the kind you get after eating reduced chicken that you even at the time were unsure about’
Bronze as a metal im sure was fine for the Bronze age. It had very little comparison. It was a massive leap from the stone age. I can imagine a bronze tool being lauded like it was the latest Iphone.
‘Have you heard about Ogg?’
‘Got a bronze bowl’
‘fuck off!’

What’s in a name?

Rita Ora is incredibly sexy. But I can’t get over the fact that her name is Rita. I just imagine Rita from Corrie or or one of my Grandmas friends. It just feels like someone who has a bus pass, pisses when they sneeze and always had boiled toffees on them. There’s a lyric in one of Rita’s songs which is ‘and we made love right there on your best friends couch’ and i think "That guy shagged a girl called Rita.
This isn’t just limited to celebrities. One of the sexiest girls I ever met was called Linda. Which is my Mum’s name. I’ve never lost interest in someone so quickly as when I heard her name. I just can’t imagine shouting out mid coitus ‘Give it to me hard and fast, Linda’. Which will always be in my head the name of a 52 year old who can’t wait to retire. The only thing I can think of that would be worse to shout out sexually ‘Give it to me hard, Mum’. Which is what I’d essentially be saying with any Linda based copulation.
But then there are a lot of weird fetishes online so maybe I’m the one in the minority with that thought there.

The Apple store

I went into the apple store because i was bored and wanted to feel bad about my personal finances. I do like going into the Apple store as it makes me feel like I’m in the future, well if the future was built by iKea and capitalism.
I can just imagine how they designed it;
"Ok, Steve Jobs what colour scheme should we go with to showcase our futuristic expensive gadgets?"
"Grey"
"Grey? A bit boring isn’t it?"
"Yeah, alright i take your point, let’s jazz it up. With some beach wood tables"
"Cabinets and shelves?"
"No waist level tables to see everyones smugness and erections"
I was amazed at how big the Ipads are these days. They were supposed to be a little portable thing that was just a screen. it was supposed to be superior to the laptop or the desktop because of how portable it was.
It was so big that it needed a cover with a keyboard built in. Which opened up its top for your lap. I can only imagine that next it will need a track pad in two years time followed by a tower with CD drives. Then 2 years after that you can only use it if you install Windows 95.